Posted by Jason Butler (24.184.94.216) on December 16, 2003 at 05:07:00:
Late one night a few months ago I found out about Jim. I can’t really describe the shock I felt since it has yet to truly pass. But I’m sure all who knew him, even for a short time as I did, will always feel his absence. Pardon the cliché, but with him gone, all that is good in the world seems to shine a little less brightly.
I met Jim around 1991. He was a friend of a friend of a young woman I had been seeing for a short while. The relationship with her didn’t work out but I was more than compensated by the opportunity it afforded me in getting to know young Mr. Kopta. (And if by chance she happens across these pages, let me offer my belated apologies.)
That was so many years ago and life is so different now. We all “grow up” to varying degrees. Some of us more “successfully” than others in whatever ways it might mean to us personally. As for myself, I can’t complain too much. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still searching for something more. (Or maybe less) and in my moments of “existential angst” I often think back to those days in Albany and realize that despite many previous assertions, it was probably the happiest time of my life. Jim certainly wasn’t solely responsible for that, but he did play a significant part.
I admired Jim. I don’t say this lightly. There have been many facets of different people that I’ve admired, but seldom have I felt that way about the whole person. With Jim I did.
He was the first person I knew that had his insecurities (though not many) but somehow wasn’t insecure about them!
He had a sincere kindness mixed with passion.
He could rail against the injustices of the world and those who cause them, but never once did I see him treat anyone with anything less than respect unless they truly deserved it.
I will always remember the few weeks he lived with me. We received a call from Joe who got arrested for throwing garbage all over the Capital steps while wearing an “I hate cops” shirt. Joe had an outstanding warrant and had to be transported up to Speculator, NY to pay his fine or do some time. Jim and I got in my car, got lost in the mountains, marveled at the rural beauty and eventually walked into an “Andy Griffith-ish” police station, both of us with clipboards, long hair and Che Guevara berets.
The Police station doubled as the policeman’s house. His wife was cooking dinner and were it not for Joe being behind iron bars it would have appeared to be a nice family dinner. Undaunted, Jim and I affected a manner that tried to give the appearance that incidents like this were nothing unusual for us. “Just another bailout for Anarchist Inc.” (I have pics that I’ll scan and send.)
Jim paid the fine.
A week or two after that Jim and Kate left for New Mexico. I only saw him a few times when he came back. I wish it had been more.
Jim seemed to know something that most of us don’t and I think perhaps he wasn’t even consciously aware of it. I’m still not sure what it might have been but I suspect it’s something we all wish we could grasp a little better. Somehow I think he was a little closer to “getting it right” than most of us ever will be.
I doubt any of you will remember me. It’s now over ten years since I last saw Jim and all the names I recognize on these pages are people I really only knew peripherally through Jim. I think I’m writing this because I had always hoped to someday see Jim again and now I never will.
Like I said above, we all grow up. Many of us get bogged down in the day to day drudgery of life. Sometimes it’s just a pain in the ass and sometimes we get completely immersed in it. I remember Jim as being somehow beyond all that. I wish I could say the same of myself but that wouldn’t be totally true. Often I look back to those days in Albany, wondering how I can get back to the state of mind I had then. But as a better writer than I’ll ever be said, “you can’t go home again.”
Maybe I’m idealizing Jim but I suspect he would have told me that it’s not about going back, but going forward and creating something new. Maybe.
To all of you who knew and loved Jim, My thoughts and best wishes go out to you.
Jason B