Posted by dara (68.41.188.195) on August 22, 2002 at 19:54:05:
This note is not meant to be some sort of self indulgent melodramtic rant. It may sound like one.
It is, however a much needed release. One that I wish I would've been able to express/communicate to you while you were still on earth. You never had any problems expressing your feelings about me, us, or much of anything else. That said, I'm am overwhelmed by feelings of guilt because you may have left not knowing how much you really meant to me or how deeply you touched my heart, mind(thanks, aunt teagan. perfect words)and my life or what a truly wonderful relationship we had and that I have no explanantion for letting it crumble other than that I was overwhelmed and scared by off by your feelings because I didn't think too much of myself and could not conceive how a star like you could love a scumbag like me.
Even tho its been nearly 10 years(seems like only yesterday, really)since we had the loft.
Wow, it all started off by just being "pen pals" when you were still in NM. Showed up at my door one day "Hey, I'm Jim.." and then we got the loft. Anyway, thoughout the years I always wondered "what if..?". Last time I saw you it sparked the "What if". We'd be living in the middle of nowhere with a fabulous book collection, a fireplace, and a pond. You would be writing your next novel while I recorded my silly records. You might even of had a little Jim to chase around and Walter would grump at you. Even when replying to your last email.What if? Maybe it was more of a "Why hell didn't I?!". You and I both know that I had many ways to change the subject when brought up, but belive me I've cried over you more in just the past week than you cried over me. I'm sorry for ever doing that to you. I just wasn't ready. We were too young. It's a picture that has never left my mind and I still feel awful about it. You would've done anything for me. There are so many things that I'll never forget: You folded my socks into little bunnies and would giggle when I open the dresser drawer, how the time I had the flu you made a pot of soup from scratch, the bedtime stories that you'd make up and act out with your two little stuffed toys(the ones you had since you were a baby), sitting in bed at night trading off note books(I'll treasure those notebooks, always), we were broke but we lived like kings, fun, wisdom, excitment, spirituality, music, and just plain love. What also says a hell of alot is that fact that we reamained close even after I moved out and you moved to Clifton Park(1993). Driving around on those hot hazy hunmid summer nights listiening to the sounds of sun ra perfectly balanced with those of the night creatures, sitting down by the river talking about life death and everything in between. The sparks still flew that summer and I hope none of them hurt you. If they did, you hid it well or maybe one caught me the eye rendering me sightless.
I'll never forget the time you got that giant car and being terrified while you were driving on delaware ave.(hahaha).
I wish I would've flown back to Albany the first time I got the news of you being in the hospital. I saw you a couple months later and you seemed well.
maybe you hid that, too. Everytime that I came to visit and saw you it made me wish that I never moved.
Jimmy, I will always love you. You taught me so much about myself just by being my friend. A part of you will always live on in me. I just miss you so damn much. I really wish I would've picked up the phone last time you called. Maybe, just maybe I would've blurted this all out. You were nothing but kind to me.
love always
dara